So much of our mental health sits on top of our emotional health. And we men have tended to over-rely on what I call cold logic: the “two plus two equals four, measure twice, cut once” brain. It’s an important brain, no doubt. But there’s a cost to leaning on it too heavily.

The Cost Of Cold Logic

Yes, we have to solve problems, and we do it well. But the cost to men has been that we rely on the logical, rational brain at the expense of the emotional brain, our deep feelings. There’s warm logic too, and it needs a seat at the table. Cold logic is a great servant, but a poor master when the conversation is about feeling.

Feel It To Heal It

I joke with the blokes I work with that it’s like the number cartoons from childhood, where you connect the dots. In this work, gently and respectfully, we explore connecting the dots, building a GPS to our deep inner feelings. It isn’t easy. It’s a bit like Dante’s Inferno: there’s a part of the psyche we just don’t want to go to, because there may be old pain in there. But by facing it, we can move into post-traumatic growth, or healing in other language.

When The Thinking Brain Goes Offline

So much of how we communicate with our partners and kids is nonverbal, and the logical mind goes quiet. We’re stumped for words, or we get defensive, or we overreact. The deeper we go into our own triggers and pain points, and the healthier we process them, the more empathy we develop, and the better we can sit in emotional discomfort with the people we love instead of jumping into anger.

Sometimes it’s hard to put the right words to these deeper feelings. The more we accept that there’s a whole realm of the psyche we haven’t had the best education in, the more we learn about how we operate.

I wonder, too, whether not being educated in emotions creates a quiet, internalised anxiety. We don’t quite know where to go, so we want to run away. (That’s an old Monty Python line, if you get the joke. If you don’t, that’s okay too.)

Presence Instead Of Fixing

When we’re triggered, we default to old reactions. So ask yourself: is this really their stuff, or is it mine? Is it my own feeling of inadequacy, that I can’t fix this, landing on my partner or my kids? It’s okay to say, “I don’t know what that feeling is.” Then you can explore it with curiosity.

The same goes when the kids are triggered, or we’ve cracked it at them. What’s their emotion? And what is it stirring in us? Children are emotional beings, and they carry a lot of emotion. After a hard day’s work, managing that isn’t always easy, and our cold logic isn’t going to help. Maybe they just need us to chill out.

Two plus two does equal four. But in the deep-feeling stuff, maybe the process isn’t about fixing it. Maybe it’s about being present: physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Don’t reach for cold logic, jump up into the thinking brain and hunt for the solution. Breathe. Centre. Connect to that unconditional love, and simply sit in presence with them.

If this resonates, my free Head & Heart Guide is a gentle place to start. You’ll find it on the Begin Here page.

If this brings up more than you expected, support is available any time through Beyond Blue or Lifeline on 13 11 14.

Feel it to heal it. Be gentle.

Not sure whether you tend to fix or feel? The free emotional intelligence self-check for men shows where you stand.